Machete is a Sanky Panky from the Dominican Republic who via a strange series of events turns pirate. The story takes place during the 17th Century, the Golden Age of Piracy. Machete lives in Cabarete Village where he is forced to become a thief. He robs merchant ships until he gets caught nearly getting a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' Locker. Machete becomes a Sanky Panky instead in order to seduce rich gringas into giving him money.

However, Cabarete Village is attacked by one of the Seven Deadly Pirates: Captain Envy, who takes Machete's mother Esperanza hostage. Machete goes to rescue his mother but gets his ass kicked. Captain Envy offers Machete a deal: if Machete can amass the sum of 1, 000 pieces-of-eight Machete can buy back his mother and Cabarete Village's freedom. Machete devises a plan to seduce a siren witch in order to obtain a treasure map, convinces an ex-pirate captain to lend him a ship, and starts out on his quest.