When the dust settled, a childless mother, found herself carrying the burdens of memories and mistakes. I had been saying that I wanted to write a book detailing the short life and tragic death of an angel that I had the pleasure of birthing. He lived twenty-seven short days, so I thought I would highlight and reflect on every day of life in each chapter. I would finish by bringing awareness to the disease that claimed the life of my young soldier. A disease I had never heard of - Necrotizing Enterocolitis Totalis. I would also speak on the importance of a healthy pregnancy, the importance of not smoking/ drinking, and avoiding domestic violence at all costs. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. He should be here giving his other brothers a tough time. However, he is not! Nothing but bittersweet memories remains. I feel robbed. I yearn for an understanding. What good is closure when it will never bring back what was lost? Can you still be called a mother when your child is no longer here, and your actions and non-actions are the reason they are gone? In this book, I will reveal intimate details that will give the reader an understanding as to why things went the way they did and why Mekhi had to go. Since his death I have gone through periods of darkness and self-destruction. I do blame myself so quite naturally I struggle with guilt and depression. I cannot help but wonder if my Peanut blames me for his death as much as I do and if he could forgive me. How does someone beg for forgiveness over a situation that was self-inflicted? The saying is so cliché, but if I had known then what I know now, I would have done things differently. I WOULD HAVE, I SWEAR I WOULD HAVE! The only thing that brings me peace is writing all my memories of my son. One lesson to take from this tragedy, when God is trying to get your attention, he will use and remove loved ones to get it.